


It's Raining Somewhere Else

by Paragon_Parallax



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Awkward, Blood and Gore, Consensual Underage Sex, Eventual Smut, F/M, First Kiss, Slow Burn, Violence, Voyeurism, YALL THIS PLAGUES MY DREAMS
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-25
Updated: 2018-11-10
Packaged: 2018-11-18 19:33:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 13
Words: 15,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11297358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Paragon_Parallax/pseuds/Paragon_Parallax
Summary: "There was no denying it: she was entranced by him and she shouldn't be. The way he watched her sent her searching for breath. It sent shocks down her spine, making her want, well, she wasn't even sure.Yes I am. His hand threaded through my hair, pressed up so close I can feel his breath."Rey is a librarian with too much freetime. Kylo is a high school student who frequents her library.





	1. Peggy

**Author's Note:**

> This will be underage-y. Ren is 23, Kylo is 15, going on 40 with his attitude. Sorry if that creeps you out :| I have to get this out of my system.

Rey was jolted by the sound of books hitting her desk.  _Hard._ She looked up at a woman, obviously very annoyed, who narrowed her eyes downward.

“Please do something about the young man over in the non-fiction section. His music is so loud, I can’t even hear myself think.” The woman began searching through her bag, grabbing her overly key-chained car keys.

“Were you needing to check these books out?” Rey called out to the woman who sauntered towards the automatic doors of the library entrance. She barely heard the woman huff a “ _No_ ” before the doors shut behind her.

_“You’re fucking kidding me.”_

* * *

 

It took Rey longer than she would have liked to put up the abandoned books. There were 15 books in total; most were assorted romance novels, heavily worn, sprinkled with the occasional southern cookbook. The cookbooks were easily re-shelfed, as the gaping holes on the bookcase were indication enough. The area for these was also in a featured section near the front of the building, towards her desk. The romance novels however needed a miracle.

The bookcases in the romance section were absolutely stuffed. The paperbacks were squeezed so tightly together trying to put them back on the shelf resulted in crinkled covers. Rey audibly groaned. She’d have to re-shelf entire rows to accommodate the books better. She glanced down at her watch.  _4:15. S_ he tied up her hair with her a rubber band that she had a habit of keeping on her wrist. Sighing, she set off to work.

 _4:45_ her watch face read now. Irritation flooded her as she looked at her masterpiece: an adequately spaced bookcase.

“How did it even get that bad?” she pondered. She had only been at the library for two weeks. In those two weeks, she undid the damaged of months of neglect by the person who had her job before her. She shook her head and began walking to the labyrinth of bookcases.

 _I should have looked for that kid earlier,_ she thought. She peered down row after empty row of shelves, looking for anyone really. The library was closing soon anyway. As she approached the non-fiction, she did hear faint, muffled noise. It was so obscure from where she was, she couldn’t identify it.

Walking section through section, she swept the area thoroughly.  

_300- Social sciences._

The sound grew louder.

_400- Language._

She quickened her pace. For whatever reason, she was nervous. Through her search of the previous areas, she knew the building was empty. If anyone else was back there, surely they would have complained to her about the music too. But no one did.

When she reached the  _500_  shelving, she could hear it fairly clear. Her feet stopped of their own accord. Nostalgia coiled in her stomach at the familiar sound.

The figure sat cross legged on the floor in front of the  _520_  bookcase:  _Astronomy._  Books were scattered around him, some opened to charts and diagrams. Others formed sizable stacks, over which he was now hunched. His dark hair curled to wispy ends that nearly pressed into the hood of his jacket.

She walked behind him, not sure how to approach the situation.

The library was closing.

He had books everywhere

He probably couldn’t hear her.

Rey huffed. She was annoyed.

 _What if I tap him on the shoulder and scare the hell out of him? What if he punches me?_ Rey thought to herself, trying to formulate the best way to handle it.

So she waited, hummed along until she knew the song was dying down.

_What should I say?_

_“Hey, turn that shit off when you’re in here.”_

_“You made a woman upset earlier with your garbage music.”_

_“Do you want to be deaf soon?”_

_“You better put all that shit back.”_

Her lips twitched upwards in a small smirk. She felt like an old librarian coming to chastise a teenager for doing, well, what they always did: annoy others.

“Hey,” she settled on when the music track finally ended. It was loud enough that she knew he could hear. He visibly shuddered, nearly knocking over the stack he was slouched over. Ripping his headphones out of his ears, he scowled backwards at her.

“What?” He practically snarled at her. She flinched at the harshness in his voice, also mirrored in his eyes. She was taken aback.

“T-the library is closing. I need you to either leave or head to the circulation desk.” She stammered out. His eyes were so dark and stared blankly at her, it made her heart quicken. She began to fiddle with her watchband. It was a nervous habit she had. And she was  _nervous_.

His eyes moved from hers to her watch her wiggle the band on her small wrist. He blinked a few times before standing.

“I’m checking all these out, then.” He spoke evenly now, making an effort to pick up the books that surrounded him. Rey stood still for moment, almost afraid to move. When his eyes moved back to meet hers, she lurched forward kneeling towards the piles, trying to help him gather the books that were sprawled everywhere.

“All of them?” She asked, genuinely curious. There were 20,  _no maybe 30,_ books between the two pairs of arms that gathered them. She lifted her face to try and meet his gaze, but in being so engrossed in picking up the books, they were close. Not “count his eyelashes” close, but close enough to see that “kid” was the right thing to call him. He was young. A high-schooler. She could see the telltale strap of the ID lanyard that the local high schools forced the students to wear tucked beneath his jacket. He nodded at her question.

She smiled. Not so much at his answer, but because there she went, talking to herself as though she was over the hill already. She wasn’t. Not even close. But sometimes 23 can feel that way.

His eyes grew wide as saucers.

* * *

 

He followed her to the circulation desk-her desk. She circled around and set her stack of books on the counter in front of him while he made a separate pile for the one’s he had carried over.

She ducked below, trying to find him a bag big and sturdy enough to carry the books out in. She settled on two, previously used, grocery store paper bags.

“Can I see your school ID?” She asked him, gingerly holding her palm out towards him. He looked at her, brows knitting slightly together.

“Why?”

“Have you never been here before?” She let her hand come to rest on top of one of the books, awaiting his reply.

“No.” She took a deep breath in, feeling almost guilty.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I’m new here too.” She smiled, fighting the urge to twist her watch band around her wrist. “Our system is linked with the high schools in town, so we don’t need to separately get your information for check out. I just need to scan your school ID.”

He reached up and hooked a thumb under his lanyard, pulling up his ID from the confines of his jacket. He unclipped it from the bottom of the strap and handed it to her. She took it from his, eyes glancing at his chewed short nails. He quickly recoiled his hand.

“Are you new to the area?” She asked, trying to lighten the mood as she scanned his ID. The computer took a moment to populate with his information. Her eyes wandered over his card in her hand. West High School was printed across the top in black, bold letters. His photo was in the middle, and underneath, “ _Kylo Ren – Senior”_. She glanced up at him when he didn’t answer her question within a few lingering moments.

“Yeah” He huffed when he met her eyes before looking away towards the door.

The computer finally filled with his information, so she glanced towards the screen before beginning to scan the books in. However, “ _Ben Solo - Junior”_ was what she saw on her screen. She looked from the screen, to the ID card, to the young man in front of her. It was definitely the right person she was looking at; he looked identical to the photos. She inwardly shrugged. The computer had been on its last leg since before she arrived at the library. She began to scan the books.

She placed the books in the bags as she went. When she got to the last book, the computer seized and wouldn’t populate the barcode.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Rey whispered to herself as she placed the scanner, none too gently back into its cradle. She took a deep breath before looking up to apologize.

“The computer needs a second to catch up. I’m sorry it’s taking so long.” She held his ID back out to him. He took it from her quickly before shoving it and his hands back into his jacket pocket, his eyes moving back to the doors.  She sighed.

She counted to 30, but the computer still was processing.

_Just take the books._

_I’m quitting._

_I can’t believe I wasted a degree on this._

“So, uh, the Mars Volta?” She settled on, beginning to bend the free end of her watch strap as she waited for his reply; He didn’t. He just simply shifted his gaze back to her, blankly.

“You were listening to them when I found you, right? Roulette Dares?”

Again, he didn’t say anything. She began to twist the watch around her wrist, ignoring the burn of it being a bit too tight to make a comfortable turn. She glanced down at the computer that was at least,  _slowly,_ populating the barcode numbers.

“I used to listen to them a lot,” she told him, watching his eyes follow her movements on her wrist. Her hand froze, stopping her nervous action. He glanced up at her then. She absently chewed a corner of her bottom lip as she grabbed at the receipt that  _finally_ erupted from the printer. She glanced back up.

His eyes were focused on her mouth. He looked enthralled, even  _hungry._  She immediately stopped her actions again, holding in a breath. His eyes surged wide at the realization that she had seen him. He sucked in a breath. She threw the receipt in one of the bags and pushed both towards his edge of the counter.

“Have a nice night.”

He didn’t reply.

_What the fuck._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my first work on A03.  
> Please be kind. Jk give me feedback.  
> I really appreciate it.


	2. How Near, How Far

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much! I'll be updating frequently!

Rey grimaced. Her coffee was only getting colder as the IT tech droned on over the phone.

_Yes, I’ve done that._

_And that._

_Thanks for your help, I’m just gonna break it._

“I appreciate your help. I think I’m just going to put in for a new computer. Have a great day.” She said curtly, agitation curling over her words. She put the corded phone back on the receiver, groaning.

_Why was everything always falling apart?_

Her life, she swore, was battle after battle. Fighting for scraps others were clawing at all the same. Scholarships for college, food stamps for dinner, curb-side finds for decoration; nothing ever came easy. She was nothing more than a scavenger.

As she sent the requisition email from her phone, her alarm buzzed along the top of her screen. Time to officially start the day.

She strolled to the automatic door and reached up. She felt for the button hidden along the top that would set the doors to open.  _Click._ The doors whirled open, allowing the chill to nearly knock her backwards. Shuddering cold invaded the small holes of her worn, oversized sweater.

_Kriff, its fucking cold._

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a figure hunched by the side of the building. Being used to having the occasional homeless person needing shelter from the elements, she immediately called out to them.

“The library is open, if you were wanting to come in.”

He turned, those same dark eyes meeting hers. He held her gaze for a moment, his breath coloring the space in front of him, before grabbing those same paper bags and hauled them towards the entrance. He passed her quickly, almost brushing into her as she stepped out of his way. She took in a breath turning to follow him, fists curled into the bottom of her sweater.

She circled around her desk, noting the height difference as she walked behind him that she didn't seem to realize yesterday.

_But what does that matter?_

He made a great effort to not slam the books down onto her desk, despite their weight. She was puzzled.

“Did you decide you didn’t want them after all?” She began removing the books from the bags, checking to make sure they were still in good condition.

“I read them.” He stated simply. She quirked a brow, pausing her motions. The books wouldn’t have been an easy read, by any means. She looked at him waiting for a “ _Just kidding”_ or something of the sort. It didn’t come. She quickly took the remaining books from the bags and began to scan them in as being returned.

“I’ll check them all in then. You’re free to whatever else you need.”

He didn’t respond.

* * *

 

Rey sat at her desk and idly scrolled on her phone, adding pins to several different “Someday” boards. It had been hours since the kid had come in.

_Kylo._

_What is he doing?_

_Does he need help?_

_Should I ask?_

Her eyes darted towards the entrance. Not a soul had entered the library all morning, besides Kylo. She was grateful and disappointed. At least the day could drag on while searching Pinterest, rather than re-shelving misplaced books.

Another hour past. Her phone battery fought for a break as it uncomfortably created heat in her hand. Begrudgingly, she decided to check on him. She shoved back on her desk, attempting to roll her hair back so she could stand. Instead it snagged on the rug beneath and nearly tipped her out.

_I fucking hate this place._

* * *

 

Her feet carried her into the labyrinth that was the nonfiction. The shelves had been placed so precariously that in her short time here she had often wanted to re-arrange the entire area. But she didn’t. So, they remained; some corners obscured from even her own familiar eyes. It was a  _train wreck_.

She didn’t have to seek out one of those inconspicuous corners however. He was exactly where he was yesterday, surrounded by even more of a mess. An entire shelf’s worth of books laid sprawled on the floor around him, most opened to various pages. He looked exactly the same. Same jacket leaned over a larger stack of books than yesterday. He didn’t have his headphones in.

_What the fuck?_

_Is this really happening?_

_Who takes a whole shelf down?_

“Is there something you’re looking for?” She quipped, hand coming up to brush her temple. He turned to look at her, thankfully not as agitated as yesterday. Her hand brushed a stray hair back behind her ear, before settling it into crossed arms. He regarded her, eyes slightly faltering downwards before returning to the book he was leaned over.

“I have a list. I didn’t see them here. Can you check to see if they are lent out?” He reached into his pocket and handed her a note, eyes not leaving the book in front of him. She gingerly took it before he recoiled his hand quickly. Her brows knit together as she scanned over the list. It was long.

“We don’t have any of these.” She answered, attempting to hand him the list back. He shut the book in front of him before turning to face her slightly. He narrowed his eyes at her somewhat, taking the list from her outstretched hand.

“How do you know if you don’t check?’ At this she laughed. A small chuckle that she quickly tried to cover with a forced cough, but not before agitation washed over his features.

“This is my library. I already know”

“You told me you were new.”

“New and uninformed are two completely different things.” Rey retorted, her mouth settling into a line. He held her gaze until it became uncomfortable, for her at least. She fished her phone out of her back pocket and opened a link to the library requisitions.

“Give me the list”, she murmured, holding out her hand towards him. He slowly retrieved the paper from his jacket pocket again, brushing it across her fingers. When she grabbed it, he didn’t recoil.

She typed the ISBN numbers into the requisition list. The books weren’t cheap, and the library budget wasn’t as plentiful as it should have been. The running total for his books hit the quarterly threshold and surpassed it eagerly. Her heart thudded as she ran the over the options she had, gingerly running teeth over her bottom lip.

_I can’t have done this just for show._

_I’ll just tell him our library is too poor for all these books and he needs to narrow this list down._

She looked away from her screen to see him looking intently at her mouth. Her heart seized. She quietly cleared her throat, mouth dry as ever.

“I’ll order them for you,” she declared. His eyes snapped up to meet hers, a slight creep of color moving in over his cheeks. She paused before her finger slid over the screen in her hand, deleting the new computer from her requisition list. She inwardly kicked herself. He remained silent, but his eyes conveyed confusion as he looked at her.

“Can I get a good phone number? I’ll call you when the books arrive.” She inquired, fingers finishing up the order on her screen. He hesitated, waiting until she looked over at him before he recited his number. She quickly typed into the “notes” field of the order.

“Just text me.” He quietly spoke, almost slurring the words into a single syllable. He opened the book again and turned away from her. Her cheeks flushed hotly as her hand curved harshly over her phone.

“Please just put everything back when you’re done.” She turned on her heel and back towards her desk.


	3. 198d

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really appreciate all of you! Thanks so much for the support!

Rey’s fingers ran over the package on her desk. She was grateful the mailman had brought it in to her. From the way he strained through the door with it, she might have had to drag it in across the floor.

“Did you order a whole new library worth of books?” the mailman had joked, handing her his scanner. He waited expectantly on her signature.

“Something like that,” she smiled. She handed his scanner back to him, pausing slightly. “They make you deliver in such bad weather?”

“Ma’am, until the city shuts down, I’ll be out delivering.”

As she watched him leave the building, she was struck with the realization she should let him know his books were here. And she was nervous. She listened to her watch tick as she fiddled with the worn band.

_Just let him know his books are here._

_School was cancelled for today, wasn't it?_

_Maybe he'll come see you._

She glanced out the front doors, watching the snow fall and pile on top of itself. She couldn’t imagine walking through the snow drifts. She shook her head, trying to reason with herself.

_For the books._

Her fingers gripped her phone, squeezing it a bit too tightly into the sleek casing. She hated the way her stomach flipped and churned.

“ _Hi, its Rey from the public library. Your books have arrived and will be here whenever you can make it in._ ” she quickly typed out. She watched the cursor blink for a moment, trying to calm herself. Before she could chicken out, she harshly pressed send and watched it pop up into the screen above. She was overcome with anxiousness she hadn't felt in years as she stared down at the screen. It was almost immediately read. Her heart began to hammer obscenely within her chest. She waited with baited breath for a reply that never came. After a few minutes, she purposely left her phone on her desk. She roamed the shelves trying to keep herself busy.

It wasn’t long before she heard the sound of the automatic doors whirling open. Her heart thudded as she peeked around a shelf, hoping that it would be him. But there was no one there. Rey huffed out a breath.

_Damn snow tripping the sensor._

She walked to the front, cursing to herself.

_You’re acting like a child._

_Get it together._

She reached up the door’s button, switching it off. She didn't want it continuously opening.

_Getting my hopes up_

If anyone needed in, which was doubtful, they could just knock to be let in. As she stepped from the door she resigned herself to rearrange the shelves to pass the time. She could finally have them just like she wanted and conveniently keep herself occupied. Her mind wandered off to what she wanted to move first as she slowly walked from the doors. She hadn’t made it but a few steps when a gentle knock at the door had her rattled. It was unexpectedly soon. She quickly turned on her heel to see him standing at the door, snow in his hair. The cold had him pale as ever as he wore the same charcoal jacket. She smiled and hurriedly moved to let him in.

The doors slid open and he stepped in, bringing the cold in with him. She hastily reached back up to hit the button on the door.

“Are you closing?” he asked, teeth slightly chattering. His hands were fisted in his jacket, trying to keep warm.

_Why did you make him walk here in the cold?_

“No, the door was just opening from the snow.” She coiled her hands in her own jacket pockets to keep from lacing her fingers in his dark, wavy hair.

_To get the snow out._

“Your books are over on my desk.”

He followed closely behind as she lead him to her desk. He was so close behind she could hear his footsteps in the low, worn carpet. She suppressed a shiver.

_From the cold._

“Well, I didn’t open the box yet.” She told him, gesturing to the package. “You can open it, if you want.” She tucked her hair behind her ear, eyes grazing from the box to meet his gaze. He actually smiled. She held a breath as her heart felt like it was struggling to beat.

It was simultaneously the best and worst feeling of her life.

 

* * *

 

 

“You don't always have to sit on the floor to read, you know.” She chided, picking up the now empty box. He looked up from the book he was holding to meet her gaze. "Just use my desk" He hesitated for only a moment, before making himself comfortable in her chair. He began pouring through the first book, flipping through the pages and pausing to look at diagrams. He looked completely enthralled.

“Just let me know if you need anything.”

Her feet carried her down the hallway behind her desk. She felt absolutely heavy as she crossed the threshold to the break room. She immediately felt the telltale stinging of tears. Frustrated, she heaved the empty box at far wall. Regret sank in quickly as the box knocked down a few framed certifications and permits from the wall. She slowly crossed the small room, fists balling up in the hem of her jacket.

_Why would you even do that?_

She blinked quickly as she knelt down and started picking up the fallen frames. She willed her eyes not to cry, but to no avail. Drops fell down onto the glass in her hands. Guilt wound its way up her frame, holding her still in a vice grip. There was no denying it; she was entranced by him and she shouldn't be. The way he watched her sent her searching for breath. It sent shocks down spine, making her want, well, she wasn't even sure.

_Yes I am. His hand threaded through my hair, pressed up so close I can feel his breath._

She pushed the thought away, gripping harder onto the frame. She gave up the one the thing the library actually needed; the one thing that consistently plagued her every day. All for dozens of books he had asked her for on a whim. And when he smiled at her, when his face genuinely lit up, she wanted to -

_You’re being pathetic. You know that right?_

Rey couldn't help but scoff at herself, acting the way she was. She stood up and placed the frames back onto the wall in their correct places. Well, as best as she could remember since she rarely used the break room. She regarded the wall briefly and let out a small sigh trying to compose herself.

When she turned to leave, she saw he was just beyond the doorway. His brows were knit together, concern lacing his features. She wished he wouldn't look at her like that.

“Don't look like that. I’m fine.” Rey quickly told him, forcing a smile and trying to wave his worry off. His gaze didn’t waiver from hers. He only slightly shifted his stance. Her heart faltered slightly.

_Do I look like I’ve been crying?_

Out of instinct, she wiped the back of her fingers over her eye. His gaze faltered and settled down to the tile floor. He looked like he was searching for something to say.

She opened her mouth to presumably dig herself into a deeper hole, but snapped it shut when she heard the city’s alarms blare in the distance. He pulled his phone from his pocket, reading his vibrating screen.

“The city is under shutdown due to inclement weather. They’re urging everyone to seek shelter.”

“Great,” Rey huffed, crossing her arms. “You should see if your parents can come get you.” He narrowed his eyes at her, almost looking irritated at her suggestion.

“Are you staying?”

“Yeah. Its better for me here than where I live.” She thought of her small apartment on the less desirable side of town. She didn’t want to be stuck there without power for who knows how long.

“Then I’ll stay too,” he decided.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here we go ;)


	4. Ease

Rey willed her eyes to stay on her phone screen as she shifted uncomfortably in her chair. She always thought that her desk was a bit small, but now trying to share the space with another person, it was blatantly clear. She had pulled up a spare chair to the short end of the desk, while he sat where she normally did. She scrolled halfheartedly through pin after pin while he poured over his books. She found herself intermittently gazing up over to him, watching him scan line after line of text, until he wasn't.  He glanced over at her, meeting her eyes.  
  
_This literally couldn't be worse._  
  
He regarded her for a moment as she went completely rigid. He slowly broke into a smirk before reaching for a different book in his stack. Rey's face had never felt this hot before. Her chest tightened uncomfortably and she found it hard to take a breath.  
  
_This is literally worse._  
  
_Just get up._  
  
_It's already weird._  
  
She pushed herself from the desk as quickly as she could and made her way to the safety of the bookcases. She could feel his eyes on her as she walked, but neither of the two exchanged a word.  
  
-  
  
It was a slow kind of torture trying to find books out of place. Rey meticulously scanned each shelf, grazing her fingers along the spines looking for one that didn't belong. For every one book she found, there were entire book cases of perfectly placed titles. She began to hate that everything was in its right place. Judging by the way the light from the windows was nearly nonexistent, either the storm was getting worse, or she had successfully passed the time. She unlocked her phone to find that both were true. The storm warning had been extended and broadened to the neighboring counties and nearly two hours had passed. She exhaled a deep breath. She wasn't sure whether to be relieved that she was closer to being done for the day or more anxious that the storm might have them stuck in the library for even longer. She began walking, engrossed in the reports of accidents and road closures that flooded her screen. She she turned sharply to return to front of the building, and completely collided with Kylo's solid form. Her phone launched itself from her hands and landed a few feet forward while her body was knocked backwards onto the ground. Rey was mortified. It was the kind of embarrassment that washed over you and kept you from sleeping at night. She couldn't even make a coherent thought. Kylo's eyes were wide in mirrored empathy, his face coloring red. He didn't miss a beat in offering her a hand, but she hesitated in taking it.  
  
_Don't take it._  
  
_Don't take his hand._  
  
The lights overhead flickered out, leaving only the faint glow coming from the few windows along the far wall. Cautiously she overstretched her hand out to meet his, grazing along his wrist before interlocking hands with his. He pulled her up, a bit too brazenly, and she stumbled forward almost running into him a second time. She quickly pulled her hand from his. Rey's heart pounded harshly in her chest. She swore it was audible with the way he looked down at her. They were so close she could, this time, count his eyelashes. They were dark and framed the deepness of his eyes.  
  
_Don't do it._  
  
The overbearing voice of reason tried to drown out the chorus of bad ideas.  
  
_Kiss him._  
  
_What are you waiting for?_  
  
_Kiss him._  
  
They stood, as frozen as it was outside, for what seemed like an eternity. It was an overwhelming sensation being so close to doing something that was, to Rey, utterly wrong. She teetered on the edge, looking for any sign that would push her either way. He gave no inclination, his expression had flattened down to as passive as if he were reading one of his books. She took a deep breath and made to step back from him, to apologize for everything that had happened. His hand softly gripped her arm, keeping her from moving backward.  
  
"Rey."  
  
Chills ran down her spine at the way he curled over her name. Her breath caught. She was caught. She took a tentative step forward, closing the gap between them. She struggled to find words, to ask him what he wanted. He looked down at her through lashes and licked his lips.  
  
_Oh_.  
  
She reached up and wound her fingers through the hair on the nape of his neck, urging him downwards. He followed, fingers digging into the fabric of her jacket at her waist.  
  
"I don't think this is the best idea," Rey murmured, lips ghosting over the warmness of Kylo's mouth. A brief moment of clarity making her want to recoil away from him. His fingers harshly bit into her waist, pulling her flush to him.  
  
"Please."  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all, I was stuck. I hope this is okay.  
> I really enjoy your feedback!


	5. Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My whole life is a short chapter.

If Kylo knew what to do, he would have kissed her. He would have kissed her when she bought him the books, or when he caught her looking at him for far too long. If the overwhelming sense of just how young he was, how naive he was, didn't stop him dead in his tracks, he would have kissed her a long time ago.  
  
It was a biting panic that rusted his joints, keeping him from closing the small gap between their lips. Every ounce of willpower was concentrated in his fingertips grasping onto her.  
  
His mouth moved of its own accord, the sound falling out before his panic could register it.  
  
"Please." He uttered, feeling the ghosting of her fingers on back of his neck. His thoughts were flitting. He wanted everything all at once, but would settle for anything at all. He felt a slight shudder rack through her. He fought back the weakness that threatened his legs, all because _he_ had caused that.  
  
He could move, just slightly, and kiss her. He just needed to press his mouth to hers and then-  
  
The uncertainty, the fear, all coupled with the overwhelming understanding that he was leagues beneath her crushed his resolve to make the move on his own.  
   
But he didn't need resolve when she was the one to press forward. Her warm mouth found his and he could swear it was the highlight of his life. His heart was pounding in his chest. He tightened his his arms around her, pulling her closer. The softness of her pressed completely to him was something he could have only dreamt of previously. Her fingers tightened in his hair as she attempted to deepen the kiss.  
  
It was all new and his thoughts were faded for her. He followed her lead, moving his mouth against hers. Kylo felt like he could do this forever, wrapped in the closeness of her.  
  
But forever couldn't last.  
  
His phone rang, the loudness piercing the silence that filled the library. He made no attempt to move, but she jolted back, eyes wide with worry. He didn't like the look. He fumbled for his phone in his pocket, answering it with the barest of interest.  
  
"What," he mumbled into the receiver. He watched Rey begin to fidget with her watch band, eyes wandering around the floor as his mother droned on over the phone.  
  
"I'm just at the library, I'll be home in a little bit." He said through clenched teeth, hanging up almost immediately after. The familiar grip of anxiety tightened in his chest.  
  
_Don't tell me you regret it._  
  
_Don't tell me you're sorry._  
  
She didn't need to say it. He could read her face better than he, in that moment, would care to admit. 

He hated it. 

The fiery burn of anger replaced his cold uncertainty of what to do. The familiar singe found its way through his chest, comforting him in the way that it always did. Agitation crept over his features as he drove his fists into his pockets.  
  
"Don't worry, I won't come back. You don't have to pretend to like me anymore because I'm just a fucking kid," he snarled, brushing past her towards the exit.  
  
He didn't turn back to her once he passed her, but all he heard an overbearing silence.  
  
There was no attempt to call him back or to stop him from leaving. He didn't even hear her move in the slightest. Fury coiled its way in him, pushing out anything that might have been there before.  
  
_I should have known._  
  
_Why am I so stupid?_  
  
_Why-_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I appreciate any feedback you all have! If you caught the Dragon Age reference, you're super cool.


	6. Mistakes and Regrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've combined what was chapter 7 with this one because I think it fits better than as a stand alone.

When the cold front came, it didn't seem to ever leave. The snow continued to fall while harsh winds carried it off. Going to work became a daily hazard that Rey wasn't sure she even wanted to attempt.

But she did.

She told herself to not linger on what happened, to not think about it and to move forward. She sat at her desk. Kylo's books were still on the corner, neatly stacked. In case he comes back.

But he didn't. 

* * *

 

Snow lingered through the season change, but the calendar managed to creep into spring. Rey made a point to clean the library from top to bottom trying to pinpoint when it must have been done last. The tops of the bookcases had a thick carpet of dust that had accumulated throughout the years. She gagged.

* * *

 

Summer sweltered in like it always did. May held no flowers, only dead grass that looked well-done. Children started filtering in for summer break activities, like drawing or paper crafts. Rey had never seen the library so full, although having them all there wasn't her first choice. She invested into an additional craft table in an attempt to keep all the students occupied. She hung up their art around the building.

* * *

 

Rey's birthday came around all the same. She pretended to blow out the candle on the pie she let defrost while she was at work. It tasted a bit like stale freezer.

* * *

 

The city rolled out a program for problem youth: Skills for Success. Young adults would be enrolled in community services positions at various city facilities. Rey received her letter of placement mid-September and a follow up call almost two weeks later.

"He should arrive in a public school vehicle in just a little bit. We try to escort them over directly after school to ensure that they actually attend."

_So I'm a babysitter._

"Have him do any tasks that you would have a library assistant do. He's top of his class academically, so we're hoping that this will be a great opportunity for him."

"Am I allowed to know why he was placed into the program?"

"I'm sorry, but that's confidential."

_Of course_

"We do ask that if you feel unsafe at any time, don't hesitate to call us, or in an emergency, our local police station."

"Are you serious?"

"We have to say that to all the facilities participating, Ms. Rey. I wouldn't be worried."

_I'm sure._

* * *

 

Rey swiped through pins on her phone, eyes flickering from the door to the screen in her hand. Waiting had never been an easy task for her. The gentle tapping of her foot kept the ever-present silence at bay.

She noticed car pull up front and fought the urge to stare. Immediately, all the reasons as to why her life continued to attract the worst of luck flooded through her head.

_That one time I parked in a "no parking" zone._

_When I stood up that guy from Tinder._

_Is it because I stored the answers in my calculator for my math final?_

It was Kylo.

_Because it just had to be._

Even before the doors whirled open, she could see the fading black eye he had. His face was set like marble, jaw clenched and eyes cast down. The man that had driven him over watched from the car as Kylo entered the building.

"As soon as he leaves, I'll go, don-." He stopped abruptly.

_Don't worry?_

Rey blinked, hands clutching her phone mercilessly. His eyes met hers for a brief moment before dropping back down to watch the floor, as they had been. Rey looked to the man in the car, still watching the two of them intently. She scrambled for a solution.

"Follow me down the hallway then. He won't leave if we both just sit here like this." She settled on, pushing back her chair and standing. She tried to ignore the butterflies in her stomach when she led him to the office hall. His heavy steps echoed off the narrow walkway. The gaze on her back felt piercing. She finally slowed to a stop in front of the office door. A dull thud jolted her, and she turned on her heel to see him leaning back against the wall, head turned the way they came. Kylo let out a sigh.

"I didn't choose to come here, if that's what you think."

 _I didn't think you did_.

She remained silent, regarding him intently. He looked a bit different than she remembered: a little taller, a little thinner. His skin was almost translucent, showing off faint lines of veining on the skin she was able to see. His knuckles seemed raw and were peppered with fading bruises.

"Did you get into a fight?" She asked softly, leaning back against the office door. He flinched. Digging his hands into his pockets, he turned slightly to look at her.

" _What does it matter_?," he growled.

Rey couldn’t quite place her anger at first. It just boiled over her edges and she couldn’t name the source.

“You’re so childish.” She spat at him, crossing her arms. Her nails bit into the flesh of her arm. He looked startled, as if he had never thought her to say anything like that in response. It only added to her rage. “I’m sure he’s gone, so just go. Don’t even come back. They can put you somewhere else.  _Anywhere_  else.” The words fell from her mouth and she knew she didn’t mean them, but she wanted them to hurt.

He seemed agitated, even more so than he was before. Then, almost in a flash of inspiration, he broke into a grin. Her heart thudded.

“Maybe while I’m at it, I’ll tell them why I don’t want to be here. I’m sure they’d be interested to know.”

_What a low blow._

“And who do you think they would believe?” She retorted. His smirk fell.

_Bingo._

The sound of his head smacking onto the wall behind him was jarring, but she stood her ground, trying to glare him into further submission. The moment stretched on; an awkward silence extending between the two. His eyes bore into the wall directly ahead of him. He almost didn’t blink.

“Why didn’t you come back?”

It finally bubbled out of her when her nails dug in deep enough.

It hurt.

It hurt like when he didn’t come back. When she had to reshelf all his books. When she watched the doors, but he was never there.

Rey was used to pain, but this was an ache in her chest that she'd never had before. It was something she couldn’t fix with aspirin or a bandage. It didn’t fade after time; she just grew used to it.

He said nothing, but still she waited for any indication that he might say something. That he would tell her why he left her there to be alone again.

But it didn’t come.

She pushed herself off the door behind her and started for her desk. Her mind was a blurry mess overcast by her closeness to him.

_Don’t think about him again._

_He won't answer you._

_He's just like everyone el-_

Her thoughts were cut short. She blinked when her back hit the hallway wall. Kylo towered over her, leaning one arm on the wall beside her. Rey’s knees felt like rubber.

“Did you want me to come back?,” His head dipped down. His eyes flickered over her face like he was searching for the answer himself. She took in a breath, but her lungs were on fire. He leaned closer and waited while she floundered to answer.  She felt the press of his free hand smooth down her back before coming to stop on her waist. She shuttered.

“Yes,” she finally answered. It was so quiet, if he hadn’t been so close, he wouldn’t have been able to hear. But he did.

He pressed his lips to hers, tentatively. She could feel his hand tremble.

_Maybe I should stop him._

But this is what she dreamed of nearly every night since she met him. She wound her hand through his hair, pulling him closer. The grip on her waist followed suit.

She couldn’t say what it was about him that made her like this.

_I don’t even really know him._

 She slanted her mouth over his, trying to take more from him. She felt like she needed more. Her teeth grazed along his bottom lip and he groaned. The sound rocked down to her core. She was hooked.

* * *

 

He left looking a mess, flustered with swollen lips. Rey didn’t want to stop-

_We could go in the office and do whatever he wants._

But he was only scheduled to be at the library for so long.

“I’ll text you,” Kylo told her before heading outside, a small smirk playing at the corner of his mouth. It gave her butterflies.

As she sat at her desk, watching the digital clock on the computer tick by, she thought she should feel something.

_Guilt._

_Regret._

Something that seemed like a normal response to this situation. Instead, her thoughts drifted in the opposite direction.

_Was I his first kiss?_

_Will I be his first, well, everything?_

Her heart quickened, building back up the fire that had only just began to quell when he left. She heard her phone vibrate on the desk. She snatched it quickly eyes scanning the screen.

 _‘Can I see you later?’_ he asked. Uncertainty flooded her as she weighed her options.

_If I say no, will he not come back again?_

_Why would I say no anyway?_

She typed out a few messages and deleted them before settling on just sending her address. She added that he could come anytime after 7. He left her on read.


	7. I Want (to use) Somebody (like you).

When Rey told him "anytime after 7", in her mind, she meant 7. That would be just enough time for her to rush home after work, determined to make sure her apartment looked good. Well, as good as it could.  
  
But after the apartment was spotless, all her dirty dishes hidden in the dishwasher and all her clothes piled into her closet, 7 came and went.

So did 8.

And 9.

_Maybe he changed his mind_

  
Rey fell asleep on her couch a little after 11, clutching her phone.

* * *

  
A knock on her door jolted her awake, sending her phone skidding to the floor. She glanced at it before hoisting herself off of the couch. 

_2:12 AM_

She was worried.

She cracked the front door hesitantly, nervous about what could be on the other side. The light that escaped from her apartment illuminated one side of Kylo's face as he stood in her doorway. She was momentarily relieved.

That was until she opened the door the rest of the way, letting more light shine across him.  
She locked up.

He was bloody. Something about him looked fragile in the way he clutched his ribs and wobbled, but the state of his hands sent a cold panic through Rey.

_Did he fucking kill someone?_

It was an anxious stretch of seconds while her body fought the urge to slam the door shut and lock it. Everything about this whole situation seemed to only get worse as time went by.  
He coughed hard, the force of it sent him shuffling for balance. She shuffled forward to catch him.

She shut the door with him inside.

* * *

  
She paced nervously in the living room while he was in the shower. They had only spoken a few words.

"Is anything broken?"

"I don't think so."

"You need to get cleaned up."

She wasn't sure when she acquired the numbness to deal with these types of situations calmly. Well, more calmly than she expected.  
  
_Its like that night with dad-_

She stopped pacing.

_No._

_Don't even go there._  
  
She busied herself looking for bandages and then anything that could act as a bandage when she realized she barely had any. She had never felt so unprepared.  
  
_How do you fucking prepare for this?_  
  
She slammed cabinet doors shut and rummaged through drawers, only stopping when she heard her old wooden floor creak. She clutched onto what she had found, fingers pressing into the cloth.  
  
He stood in doorway to her kitchen, hair still slightly dripping water. He wore the only she had that would fit: old, worn sweatpants and an oversized shirt she used to sleep in. She couldn't help the butterflies in her stomach.  
  
Now that the blood was gone, she could see the bruises that covered him. They were blue and purple, surrounded by red splotching. One eyebrow drooped slightly from swelling. His lip was split. The way he stood, however, made her think he didn't have anything majorly wrong.  
  
_Or he's good at hiding it._  
  
Her mouth fell into a thin line, determined to keep what she wanted to say to herself.

_You're an idiot._

_What are you doing to yourself?_  
  
"Rey." His voice was quiet, but sounded like he swallowed gravel.

 _Maybe he did._  
  
She just shook her head and approached him, bandages in hand. The only part of him that still looked as though it could bleed again was his knuckles. They looked like he had dragged them along pavement. She carefully wrapped what little she had around them. When she was done, she stepped away. She tried to distance herself from him, for both their sake.  
  
"I don't know what's going on, but we can't- I can't do this."  Doubt wound its way into her words. He clinched his fists. She could hear the joints pop and watched as he ground his teeth. She knew at least that had to hurt, but he stayed silent. So they stood there, eyes glued onto one another. Rey's anger drifted away with the seconds, with the way his eyes seemed to water.  
  
She sighed, looking to the clock on the stove.

 _3:04 AM_  
  
_I still have to go to work in the morning._  
  
"I'm going to bed." She said unceremoniously, brushing past him and flipping the lights out. She didn't hear him make a move as she walked down the hall to her bedroom, but she wasn't even sure what she expected.  In a moment of hesitation, she paused before turning the handle to her door. Something ate away at her until the words fell from her mouth.  
  
"You can come too."

* * *

 

She strained her ears to try and listen for footsteps while she brushed her teeth. It was much harder than she though it would be and ultimately proved unreliable. He was in her bedroom, standing just inside the door frame when she left the conjoined bathroom. Her heart beat sped up.  
  
"I can sleep on the couch," he nearly blurted, eyes falling to the ground instead of meeting hers. Color crept across his face and she repressed a smile.  
  
"You can sleep in here, I'll take the couch. You need all the rest you can get," she told him, grabbing a spare blanket off of her bed before making her way to the door.  "Try and get some rest."  
  
He flipped off the light switch and moved to stand in the doorway, blocking her way out. Something on him popped sickly at his sudden movement. She sucked in a breath and waited.  
  
For what, she wasn't sure.  
  
When her eyes adjusted to the darkness, she could faintly make him out by the street light filtering in from her window.He was still, fixated on the ground, looking lost in thought.    
  
Her hand moved of its own accord, brushing along his wrist. He looked to her.  
  
"Whatever it is, just forget about it for now."  She whispered like she was afraid to hear herself.  
  
He closed the distance between them, hands settling along her waist. He leaned down to place a ghosting kiss along her cheek. She heard him take in a shaking breath.  
  
She wasn't sure where she could touch, what would hurt and what wouldn't, so she stood still while her heart raced. His mouth trailed down, along the corner of her mouth, along her jaw, to the softness of her neck. She was sure her knees would give out. But they didn't, even when she felt the sharpness of teeth. A gasp left her mouth before she could stop it. His hands tightened around her, pulling her closer before biting down harder on the expanse of her neck.  
  
It was already feeling like too much, like she had never done this before. The wet heat between her legs was overwhelming, as if she was already so close. She tried to form a coherent thought, to keep herself from going over the edge, but his breathing in her ear, the bluntness of his nails into her hips, it couldn't be stopped.  
  
The only place she thought it would be safe to dig her fingers in was his hair. She probably pulled a bit too hard, but the only thing she could focus on was wave after wave rocking through her harshly. He didn't seem to mind.  
  
" _Fuck_ " was the only thing Rey stammered out, trying to catch her breath. She felt boneless.  
  
Even in the darkness, Kylo's smirk was easy to see when he pulled away from her. She wanted to wipe it off his face. She lifted her hands to touch him, to dig into him, but hesitated before making contact. He grabbed her hands before she withdrew them, bringing them to his chest.  
  
"Just touch me."  
  
With that, she was clamoring for any semblance of breathing. Air escaped her and she couldn't be bothered to try and get it back. Not while her mouth was against his. Not while her nails pressed into him under his shirt. She pulled him towards her while she walked back towards her bed. When he got on top of the bed, she got on top of him. She pulled his shirt off over his head and pushed him down. His eyes were wide as she stripped hers off. She smirked.  
  
She unhooked her bra with ease, sliding the straps off her shoulders. His hands were on her immediately, skimming up her sides. Pressing herself down flush against him, her mouth found his neck. Threading fingers through his hair, she roughly pulled his head to one side and dragged her teeth down his neck. A groan ripped through his chest and Rey wanted nothing more than to hear that again.  
  
It was a blur. Her body moved on autopilot and she couldn't complain. She didn't want to think about anything but him. Especially when he yanked down her pants down just enough to get his hand in. She wasn't sure who was the louder one between the two of them. She sat up, placing her hands on his chest to get better leverage and ground her hips against his fingers. Inexperience and all, he watched her with a parted mouth, trying to figure out what she liked best. Rey threw her head back.  
  
She couldn't wait anymore and the way his breathing was ragged, she didn't think he could either. The sting of nervousness ran through her as she pulled off what clothing she had left on. He roughly pulled her back to him, crushing his mouth against hers. Any doubts she had were left behind.  
  
He actually winced when he tried to help her pull off his pants. Her hands froze.  
  
"Don't look at me like that." he told her. His voice was low and pulled tight. She didn't realize her eyebrows were knitted so hard together.  
  
His pants were down enough for Rey to pull him out. He throbbed against her hand. For a moment, she couldn't believe this was happening.  
  
She sank down onto him easily. It wasn't clear to her whether he was quiet or if she just couldn't hear over the blood rushing in her head. His eyes were fixated onto her as she moved. His hands dug into the softness of her hips, trying to get her to slow her pace. So she did, even as eveything in her told her to not to. She settled to a soft rocking that broke him all the same.  
  
" _Rey_."  
  
It was soft, like the way his eyes met hers. Like the way her hands roamed over his chest, welts and all.  
  
She had never come so hard in her life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you need me, I'll be chillin in hell.


	8. Collapse

It was hard for Rey to get out of bed. She was used to lack of sleep making her want to sink back into the covers, not someone holding on to her. Not someone groaning and shifting towards her. Not someone giving her a half-awake lazy smile before falling back asleep. It set her stomach into knots.  
  
She wasn't used to this at all.

* * *

The brightness of the windows finally woke Kylo. In a moment of panic, his eyes snapped open, trying to piece together where he was.  
  
_This isn't your room._  
  
It was much too bright to be his room, where the curtains were constantly kept closed. For a split moment, he worried he was in a hospital again.  
  
_But you hurt too much for that._  
  
The hospital would have given him something for his pain, like they always did. He didn't feel the telltale discomfort of an IV in his arm either.  
  
Fighting against the inset pain, he sat up and blinked his eyes a few times to help them adjust. The ache in every inch of him jogged his memory.  
  
_You were late._  
  
_You took a shower and wore her clothes._  
  
_She took them off._  
  
A smile crept across his lips at the realization.  
  
_She wanted you._  
  
But it was fleeting. The nagging thoughts he always had clawed their way back up.  
  
_She's going to find out about you._  
  
_She's going to figure out who you are, what you did, and you will lose her._  
  
_It's all your fault._  
  
If he could have made a fist, he would have, but he could barely move his fingers. That was decidedly worse than the pain he had braced for. The claws lodged in his thoughts were replaced with hot spikes of terror, pure and volatile.  
  
_If I can't fight back-_  
  
His small world seemed to constrict upon him. It was suffocating. His limbs were reduced to painful tremors. The tightness in his chest was overwhelming. He was sure he was going to pass out. He began reciting what he always relied on to try and stave off the ensuing panic.  
  
_The Andromeda Galaxy is 2.5 million light years away. One light year is 9.5 trillion kilometers, .301 parsecs. Luhman 16 is 6.5 light years away. That's 2 parsecs. Proxima Centauri is just 4.2 light years away, only 1.3 parsecs-_  
  
He continued until his breathing calmed enough for him to take even breaths, pulling him from the cliff side he didn't want to fall over. Especially not here.  
  
His eyes scanned the room, taking in the everything that seemed just so "Rey". She had two bookshelves along one wall of the small room and they were both crammed full, with books overflowing into neat piles alongside the floor of the shelves. The titles ranged from popular fiction to textbooks on psychology. The majority of the books looked well-worn, with annotated pages and bookmarks. His eyes continued to wander the room and the nightstand by the bed caught his eye. In particular, pill bottles littered the tabletop along with a hand written note. Kylo fought the stiffness in his arm and reached for the message.  
  
**_I don't know how you'll feel when you wake up, but this is all the pain medication I have (in case you're allergic to something in particular). If you need something else, just call me ~~if you're still here when I get home~~ and I'll bring it when I get off. I hope you feel better. _**  
  
**_P.S The only thing I really have to eat in the house is waffles._ **  
  
Her handwriting was a bold cursive that in certain instances was difficult to read. It was entirely different than his own, which was decidedly plain and nearly all capitalized. It made what she wrote even that much more endearing.  
  
And he loved waffles.

* * *

He was sure he had never been in this much pain in his whole life. Even if he did have worse injuries, he had taken medication preemptively and had never truly felt the full effects of his fights.  
  
_I should have fucking killed him._  
  
It was a thought that continually plagued him. An idea that, especially after last night, seemed like something that was completely unavoidable.  
  
_He's going to kill you eventually. You have to beat him to it._  
  
He ate the waffles at her couch since she didn't have a table to sit at. His jaw protested with every chew. With every bite, he became more bitter. More determined.  
  
_Rey won't matter when you're dead._  
  
That was enough to cement his resolve.

* * *

He picked up her most worn book off the shelf and sat on the couch to pass the time. It was a children's chapter book with a cover so worn it was hard to read. She had a sticky note on nearly every page, each with a hastily written thought on the significance of a certain passage. It was much more analytical than Kylo would ever have thought of a children's book  
  
As he continued to read through the book and her notes, he stumbled across the only instance where Rey had actually marked the page itself. She had highlighted:  
  
_""There's a but, isn't there?"_  
_"I can feel it. Like a rain cloud."_   
  
It gave him pause.  
  
Was it worse to know the rain cloud was there?  
  
Or to be surprised when the drops finally fell?  
  
_I have to tell her._

And so he waited.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't let anything be happy for long. Thanks for all your feedback!


	9. If He Likes It, Let Him Do Anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yoooooooooooo. I've been productive

She wasn’t sure what she had expected when she got home. She was nearly certain he’d be gone, or maybe in so much pain he would still be in bed. Either way, he hadn’t messaged her. She didn’t text him either.

Stepping inside, Rey saw that Kylo was sitting on her couch. He looked worse than he did yesterday. The swelling was much more prominent. His bruises had substantially darkened in color. She met his eyes as he looked up from the book in his hands. She recognized it immediately.

_My favorite book._

If that wasn’t surprising enough, there was something in his face that set her on edge. It swung on hinges between worry and anger. She stood awkwardly by the doorframe trying to figure out what to say but everything caught in her throat.

“You write a lot in your books. Why?,” he asked, speaking first. The way he said it made the words come out almost clipped and hesitant. He still held the book open, like he would start reading again just as soon as she answered him. She could feel her face heating at his question.

“I just do?,” she told him. Irritation flooded her words even if she hadn’t meant it to.

_That’s the first things he says to me?_

His eyes widened at her response just enough for her to notice, just enough for her to feel bad at the way his brows bowed upwards. She wasn’t sure how to answer the question. Well she did know, but it was hard to admit. Especially out loud.

“It’s a way to gauge myself and see if I’ve changed. I reread my notes and see if I feel the same.”

“So, you change your mind a lot?”

“No.”

* * *

  
It was weird. There was absolutely no way around it. She felt like was walking on eggshells in her own house, around someone she barely knew.

_But you’ve fucked, so there’s that._

And even though she didn’t know him as well as she wanted, she knew something was off, and it made her anxious. She sat on the couch next to him ( _but not too close)_ pretending to be engrossed in her phone. She was keenly aware of how he hadn’t flipped a page in a few minutes. Aware of the sensation of being watched that sent her hair standing on end. It made her heart pound as the moments stretched on. She resolved to continue to scroll through her newsfeed.

Eventually he broke his silence, giving up the façade of reading. He placed the book down and used his now free hand to graze along her jaw, fingertips ghosting along her skin.

“I’m not good at this. ‘I missed you’ doesn’t sound right coming from me.”

She fought the urge to smile as butterflies fluttered through her. She kept her face as passive and even as she could. Even as her chest was on fire, she continued to mindlessly scroll on her phone.

“You could try.” Something about that must have bothered him. He jerked his hand back and she stole a glance at him. He was fixated on the floor, one of his consistent tells.

_He’s almost as bad as me._

“’One day I’ll find my real parents. The one’s I have now have to be my other parents. I’ll find a cat and we’ll all be happy.’”

She flinched at her own words, the ones she had written when she was young and first stole the book from the library. The same library she worked in now. _‘We’re not buying you a damn book, Rey’_ her parents had told her, even when she cried and told them how much she wanted to read it. She remembered checking all the doors in the house until she was 14, hoping one day she would pull one open and see something new. But there never was anything strange or out of place behind them. She still dreamt of having buttons for eyes and trying to rip them out.

“Did you ever find them?” His tone was flat. It wasn’t sarcastic like she always thought it would be when someone found her elementary scribbles.

“Of course not.”

“Do you still look for them?”

She paused, locking her phone screen. It was hard for Rey to tell if he was being serious or not. She gave him the benefit of the doubt.

“Sometimes.” She still found herself checking the doors of her house even now, albeit not as much as when she was younger, and not as much as when she first moved in.

He snuck a look up at her before dropping his head back down to the floor.

“I can help you look.”

She had only felt this stupid a handful of times before.

_Remember when you thought for sure Poe was sending the love letters to your locker. Remember when you found out it was Finn._

That still gave her goosebumps of embarrassment and sent her stomach churning.

Her protests fell on deaf ears when he turned off all the lights and grabbed her hand. In silence, he led her through the house, opening door after door just slightly enough to make sure they led to the same places that they always had. He even checked the closets and the door to her near-empty pantry.

To Rey, it was absolutely ridiculous to even be going the motions of checking for-

_My “real” fucking parents?_

_Parents better than the ones who left me alone._

_Better than the ones who would rather go drinking than come to anything that was important to me._

Nonetheless, she wound her fingers through his and told him to check the cupboards too. He nodded slightly

* * *

When the last door shut with nothing to be found, they were in the kitchen. His hand lingered on the closed cabinet door, seemingly lost in thought. Rey loosened her grip on his other hand.

_You didn’t ask him if he’s okay._

_You didn’t ask him if he needs to go home._

He turned to look at her, opening his mouth to say something but clamping it back shut almost immediately. It didn’t help her worrying. After a moment of brief stillness, his hands were on her, his mouth was on hers. He pushed her up against the counter. The hard edge of the surface bit into her back as he slanted his mouth over hers, trying to get more. A coil in her started to tighten and Rey wanted to give him anything he wanted. He pressed his fingers into the skin just under the hem of her shirt. As she sunk her teeth into his bottom lip, a groan ripped through him. She immediately jerked back thinking she had hurt him. She had, or at least she figured she did. The split in his lip had reopened, glistening where the blood began to well at the surface. She started an apology of how she had forgotten but he cut her off, hoisting her onto the countertop.

Her breath caught from the way his gaze on her seemed feral. His hands dug into the flesh of her thighs before pushing her knees apart to make room for himself between her legs. She stifled a gasp when she was jolted forward, his hands gripping her backside to pull her as close to him as he could get her. The crushing force between the two of them bordered on painful even for Rey. From the way he held her tight against him, it was like it wasn’t enough.

It was hard for her to think. It was hard for her to piece together what she wanted to ask when his mouth was so insistent on hers. Every scrape of his teeth wound her tighter. Something in the lingering copper taste of his lips coupled with the persistent thought that it had to hurt him, even slightly, and that he seemed to like it sent her head swimming. Every time she found just enough determination to pull away, he moved his tongue just the way she loved or he made a sound that tore through her and pushed out any thoughts she had of ever stopping. But when his fingers hooked into the loops of her jeans and tugged it snapped her out of it.

_If you don’t ask, you’re going to regret it._

Her hand pushed against his chest trying to gain distance from him. He responded by knocking her hand away and pulling her flush against him. His lips tried to chase away anything she was trying to say, but she pushed again. This time much harder. Even with his face flushed, his face still held a worried expression.

“What’s wrong?” Her voice sounded small and out of breath, which she was. He only blinked at her a few times before trying to close the space between them. Rey held him away firmly with her hand still on his chest. She would not waiver.

He stood for a moment searching her face, like she had the answer written there and he just had to read it. When he looked like he realized it wasn’t there, and she watched him try to think of what to say.

“You don’t change your mind.” It was between a question and a statement, a very fine line that threatened to fall either way.

“No,” She told him again. Her heart felt heavy in her chest and seemed to be falling with every passing second. She let her hand drop with it.

“You won’t change your mind about me?” This time it was a question. His voice waivered and sounded smaller than her. He wouldn’t look at her.

“Whatever it is, I won’t change my mind.” Her palm cupped his cheek, urging him to look at her. He did and it broke her.

“My name is Ben.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spotify playlist (spoilers because I update the songs before the work) https://spoti.fi/2HWoTqA  
> See ya, space cowboys


	10. Visions of Gideon

"My name is Ben."  
  
With every word he spoke, the color drained from her face. The need to touch her was overwhelming. He wanted to wipe the worry from her face, to kiss her until she couldn't think about what he had just told her. But he was paralyzed-helpless to watch and compelled to continue.  
  
"I just turned 16."  
  
She flinched. Her knuckles turned white against the counter.  
  
He searched for words, grasping and raking his way over how to tell her something he had never told anyone.  
  
"I don't live with my parents. I live with my... mentor."  
  
_Tell her what you did. Show her what a monster you are._  
  
"I... did some things I regret, and I can't go back."  
  
She wasn't looking at him anymore, her eyes traced the floor beneath her.  
  
He wasn't sure if he could describe this as pain or if it was just too close for him to describe it as something else. This hurt worse than when Snoke dragged him across the floor and broke his collarbone for getting an answer wrong. It was even worse than the first time he was punched in the face and didn't know to brace himself.  
  
Still, it wasn't as excruciating as when he lied to DHS and watched his mother cry, asking him why he was doing this to them. Through, it was a pretty close second.  
  
Time had passed since then. He rolled with the punches and leaned into ones of his own. Nothing he did now could remove the restraining order he had on his parents. He couldn't go back to his normal life, before he met Snoke. Before he was ever told he could be the greatest of his generation, if he just listened. If he just did as he was told he could leave his humble beginnings and make a name for himself. He could have everything he ever wanted.  
  
But everything he wanted sat on the counter. He didn't want MIT or Cal Tech. He didn't want interviews with scouts and promises of scholarship. Fame and notoriety seemed like long thrown away dreams ever since he had looked her way. He wanted Rey. He wanted be here with her. He wanted to be everything she needed, wanted to give her anything she wanted.  
  
That was what he told Snoke, more or less. That's when he was sure he was going to die, more or less.  
  
So he told Rey. He wanted to prove himself right, that she felt what he felt for her. He was sure that she would understand just like if the roles were switched. He knew she would feel the same. So he recalled every instance in the last few years that landed him here, standing in her kitchen a broken mess. He told her how he had lied to get removed from his parents home. He detailed all the warped statements he told every state worker, every police officer, to get what he wanted: to give Snoke unbridled access to control his life.  
  
Rey held herself to an eerie stillness, besides the occasional flickering of her lashes. His mouth finally stopped moving. Regret could have knocked him off of his feet.  
  
He should have known what would happen. He should have remembered there was a reason he didn't hold anyone close. There was a reason he didn't talk to anyone he didn't have to. When she asked him to leave, he would have liked to have been able to feel shocked. To have felt anything but seething anger. Snoke had told him she was no different than every other person. He told him that she was an ant under his feet just like the rest of society, and that he shouldn't care where he stepped. He had beat it into Ben's head with bony knuckles. He had yelled it loud enough to drown everything but the faint glimmer that maybe she would be someone to hold on to-someone to love and to love him.  
  
But Snoke was never wrong, and everyone, including Ben knew that. And if he saw something in Ben, then there must be something in him. There must be some flicker of greatness that was more profound than what he felt for Rey. Certainly, it was more than what she felt for him. Whatever glint that had been burning faintly had finally gone.  
  
This was just a distraction, and a temporary one at that. She would stay here in this town, in this apartment, working at the same library while he moved the stars themselves. He was going to change the world while she simply lived in it. His mouth quirked up in a smile as he stood outside her apartment door.  
  
_I am Kylo Ren._


	11. And the Wick Burnt Black

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I appreciate everyone who continues to read my garbage. You all are immensely important to me.

Sleep evaded Rey, but she wouldn't say she was really even chasing it. Days blurred into nights and weeks seemed to melt into the next. Her motions were on autopilot.

On her days off she rarely left the couch. She was glued to her laptop in a feverish attempt to tabs on him. Her phone's screen was constantly on, hoping he would call. She would settle for even a single text message. Eventually she broke down and tried to call. The number was disconnected. She continued to try every day after that.

_Ben._

She had alerts for news articles featuring him, even the briefest mentions. She, begrudgingly, kept tabs on Dr. Snoke. Although he much more prevalent than Ben in the news; he published a paper nearly ever month.

She began losing hair and weight. Her already small form was shrinking even more. She decided to see her doctor. Dr. Kanata warned her that she may be suffering from chronic depression, but she didn't need anyone to tell her that.

"Find something you're passionate about. There's so much around here that needs somone like you, just look for it." the doctor told Rey when she didn't want medication.

Now, that was something she needed to hear.

She started volunteering. It began as something she did on the weekends and turned into a nearly unending swamp of work and events: she was at the city board meetings protesting teacher pay cuts, she went on field trips with the local schools as a chaperone, and she often handed out food at the shelters. The community named it, and Rey was there front and center.

Still, she checked for alerts in between her schedule. She would feel phantom buzzing as if her phone was going off. But then, it did actually start to.

"City Local, Kylo Ren, accepts full scholarship to California Institute of Technology as univserity's youngest scholar, at 16."

"Miss Rey, my book is falling apart."

Rey looked down at the book the young girl held in her hands. Pages were falling from the binding. The girl's eyes welled up with unshed tears and her lip jutted out, quivering. Rey sat her on her desk as she began to tape pages back in.

"Don't worry, I'll fix it." She told the young girl with a smile. She got a smile back.

Rey wrote a grant proposal to the city for library funding. It was denied.

"Dr. Snoke writes co-authored paper with Kylo Ren, 16, on Cosmic Evolution."

Rey launched the city's largest campaign drive for education. She wrote to numerous businesses, city alumni, and industry professionals in the area. With community pressure, donor and sponsor contribution, the city planed to build a new library budgeted at 137.4 million. It stood as the city's most prodigious undertaking.

"Kylo Ren publishes 4th paper as youngest journal scholar."

Rey cut the ribbon at the opening ceremony for the new library. Kids flocked to the playground in the back while Rey gave a guided tour of the building itself to its sponsors and community members. She handed out programs of the planned outreach events for the library. They were focused on education and emotional wellness.

"Cambridge welcomes keynote speaker, Kylo Ren, 16, on discussion of gravitational wave phenomenon."

Rey was given a new title: City Community Coordinator. She still insisted on working from the library and participating in all the classes and workshops it provided. She never even used her office in City Hall.

"Kylo Ren is Caltech's youngest Ph.D candidate at 17."

"Hey, we should try and get that guy to come hold a talk here. You know, the one who went to Caltech? It might be good for the kids to see someone who grew up here and actually made a name for themselves."

Rey looked to her assistant and paused re-shelving the book cart in front of her. He flipped through the city's calendar of events on his phone for a moment before noticing her gaze.

"What?"

"You think it would be a good idea?"

"Yeah, Rey. You and Kylo Ren have been the best things to happen to this town, and we get to see you everyday already." He smiled that same smile like he always did, even when she turned him down for date after date.

"If you think that way, go ahead and try to get into contact with him, but I wouldn't be surprised if he declines."

"What makes you say that?"

She didn't answer.

"Hawking's research on "multiverse" detection carried on by California Institute of Technology graduate, Kylo Ren."

"Check your email."

That was all she heard in passing on her way to her office. Logging in, she felt herself grow nervous as the system booted up.

There was an email forwarded from her assistant. It was an exchange between him and Kylo's public relations manager.

"Dr. Ren would be happy to make an appearance. Please send me the desired date and time, as well as lodging information and we will be in contact."

Rey was sure her heart had stopped, like it forgot how to work.

_Dr. Ren would be happy to make an appearance._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was important to me to show that even if you think you can't make a difference, you can accomplish so much if its something you're passionate about. Rey is best library mom.


	12. Dripping With Fire

Rey had given up her old watch for a new one. It told her when she was running late for a meeting, and who was calling her. It reminded her of her colleagues' birthdays and city events. But the band dug itself into the thin skin of her wrist when she was nervous just like the old one did. Some things never changed.  
  
_I'm making this a bigger deal than it is._  
  
She had lost sleep in the days since the email. She had spiraled back into the same detrimental cycle that she'd been in before.  
  
She wanted to see him.  
  
She didn't want to see him.  
  
It was a game of back and forth. Like playing ping pong against yourself and not knowing which side you wanted to win. She was running herself into the ground trying to figure out which one would hit the final shot.  
  
_But you already know._  
  
She wanted to see him, to confirm all his bruises were finally gone and well healed.  She wanted to make sure he was okay and to apologize in all the ways she's thought of in all the time he's been gone. But most of all, she wanted closure.  
  
_So you can move on for good._  
  
She wasn't sure if she believed herself or not. Pacing back and forth in front of her closet, she tried to decide on what she should wear. She twisted the watch band around, feeling grounded by the discomfort of the strap rubbing against her skin. Nearly all the clothes she owned now were varying shades of black and grey. All were various cuts of the same business silhouette. There really wasn't much by way of choosing something to wear. It still managed to be a stressful event anyway.  
  
She was sure she had picked the perfect time to arrive. It was early enough that she should be there before Kylo- Ben, but not too early that it would give away her nervous pacing.  
  
She thought of how he'd look.  
  
Would he speak to her?  
  
Would he refuse to see her at all?  
  
_Would he even show up?_  
  
The thought stopped her cold in her tracks. She hadn't considered the prospect that he wouldn't show up. That the email had been the hook, line and sink that would break her back down to where she was when he had last left. That maybe- just maybe, this was another way to get back at her.  
  
She wasn't sure she could handle it.  
  
_And that's the problem._  
  
Of course that was the problem. The inability to cope, to be so strung up on someone who left without a second glace. The person who had done leaps and bounds better without her, almost undeniably so.  
  
She wanted that hurt to go away, regardless of if he turned up or not. She wanted it to be a well healed scar, not a flimsy scab that bled at the slightest touch.  
  
She wanted the resolve to move on.  
  
It took her by surprise when the front doors whirred open and there he was, speaking to her assistant. It took her by surprise that they seemed to be joking, and Kylo's face was upturned in a laughing smile. It took her by surprise that it made her chest feel so full.  
  
The apprehension she had felt magnified. The realization that she was at emotional bottom and he was the only ladder was everything she had hoped to avoid.  
  
_But just look at that smile._  
  
"Oh, here she is now," she heard her assistant call, waving her over to the two of them. Her feet felt heavy when she held Kylo's gaze. Like trying to move lead through water, she trudged through fixated on him. It was like he never left, and it was terrifying. Some things never changed.  
  
"Its good to see you again." There was something different in his face. The split lip he left with returned with him in a faded pink scar. It stretched with the curve of his smile, something Rey had never really seen before. It was almost like the smile he wore didn't reach his eyes. They were cold; they were even colder than she remembered, even when she had told him to leave. It was jarring, and Rey looked to her assistant who seemed none the wiser of the disconnect.  He outstretched his hand to her. She took it hesitantly. His handshake was firm and warm against her skin. She tried not to let her mind wander to thoughts of those hands.  
  
_His fingers grazing along your cheek._  
  
_Nails digging into your thighs._

 _The hands you drempt of pulling you back down nearly every night._  
  
She was struck breathless, managing only a slight murmur of agreement. Coupled with the nervous smile that overtook her, she was sure she was making a total fool of herself. Kylo's eyes widened briefly, gaze faltering.  
  
Having him here was the best and worst feeling of her life.  
  
Some things never changed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have emerged from my coma and have become even worse at writing.


	13. Be Here Now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wowie boys. It's been a time, hasn't it?

_It’s amazing what a person can do on autopilot._

Rey hadn’t missed a mark and fell immediately into routine. She showed Kylo around the second floor of the library just as if he were another interested party. As if he were just another face she was to be welcoming to.

_That’s all he is now._

“These are the classrooms we use for community enrichment.” She gestured to the doors lining the right of them. She didn’t let her gaze falter back to him; she didn’t let her pace break. He murmured something in affirmation. Rey heard his steps continuing on the tile floor behind her.

Nothing was the same as when he was here last. She thought to him sitting at her desk, pouring over books. The feverish look in his eyes as he flipped through star charts and galaxy maps.

She thought to the snowstorm that left them in the dark. She could remember the light faintly filtering in through the windows. The way it caught his face. The way he-

_No, nothing here is the same._

Her old desk was donated to a homeless shelter during the renovation. The windowpanes had been destroyed and replaced with energy efficient ones. The building now had an emergency power generator that would keep the lights on if they ever threatened to go out again.

_But those books_ -

Rey didn’t realize how far her feet had taken her while her mind was elsewhere. She sucked in a breath and tried to walk right by the display. The shelves that held every book he had checked out from the library including the books she had purchased for him. She had framed newspaper clippings of his achievements and bought the journals and magazines he had been published in. They lined the wide shelves as concrete proof that she thought about him during all their time apart.

 She tried to direct his attention to the opposite wall, to the awards and certificates that the library had achieved over the years since he had gone, but heard his footsteps cease.

She didn’t want to look because as soon as she did, she would have to look him in the face and admit it.

_You’ll have to admit you thought about him all the time._

_You’ll finally have to see that while you stayed stuck on him, he probably hasn’t even thought of you._

_Maybe not even once until the email._

But she had to glance behind her. She had to face the truth whatever it was.

Kylo was fixated. His brows were knit together as his eyes roamed the shelves, the frames, the books. He seemed almost in disbelief.

“Why would you-,” he started, letting the words die out. He shifted nervously, peering down the empty hallway before turning to look at her. Rey stood quietly. Her fingers itched for the band on her wrist. She wanted to turn and twist it into her skin.

But she didn’t. Her fingers flexed at her side tentatively though she remained silent. He hesitated a moment before speaking again, but his eyes flashed with anger when he finally did.

“Don’t take credit for me.” It was curt. Rey blinked a few times, unsure of how to process it.

“What are you even talking about?” she crossed her arms, instinctively. The slow burn of anger was welling up inside her and threatening to bubble over.

“The poor kid you wasted time on actually did something with his life, and it had nothing to do with you.” Kylo’s mouth twitched up into a crooked smile as he laughed. It was infuriating how much her stomach flipped when he ran a hand through his hair and tried to compose himself.

“Why did you even come back?” She resisted the urge to ball up her hands into fists, instead choosing to tighten her arm against her chest.

“Why did you ask me to?” he retorted, stepping towards her. It would be so easy for Rey to reach over and wipe the grin from his face.

_But it looks good on him._

She stood still, jaw set as his smile faded over the seconds that she didn’t answer him.

“Of course.” He scoffed, “I don’t know what I expected from you.” It was hard for Rey to keep her composure, but she did.

“I was what?” He continued, “Someone you could use? String around until you changed your mind? Oh. That’s right. You don’t do that, do you?” The words left his mouth in a snarl, venomous and full of spite. Rey flinched.

_He’s right. That’s what you told him. And he believed you. That’s why he told you everything and you tossed him away. You could have-_

“What did you expect me to do? Take you in? Rip Snoke’s throat out with my bare hands? What exactly did you want?” She was exasperated. She dug her nails into the backs of her arms. Kylo blinked a few times, taken aback. His brows quaked upwards. A few beats of silence passed between them, eyes fixed on one another’s.

“You could have at least cared.” Rey’s heart fell to her feet. She didn’t think she could even feel so gutted by so few words, but she did.

_Tell him you did._

_Tell you worried all the time about him._

_Tell him you tried to call._

_Tell him something._

_Tell him anything._

“Ben.” It was just above a whisper, but he reacted although she had screamed it with all she had.

“Don’t ever call me that again.” The words were somewhere between a command and a threat. A shiver ran through Rey at the roughness of his voice. There was a slight glaze to his eyes. She turned to the bookshelves and sighed.

“This reminds me that no matter how badly I messed up,” she glanced towards Kylo, “You’ve done so much. In spite of everything…” She trailed off when she noticed his eyes start to water in earnest.

It was an instinct to close the distance between them. Her legs moved on their own volition. She buried her head in his chest and wrapped her arms around him tightly. Her heart raced as she waited with bated breath for him to push her off, to yell, or to do anything at all. His back stiffened under her touch, but he was still and quiet after an initial jerk of surprise.

“I’m so proud of you.” The words left her quiet and muffled by being pressed so close against his chest. Kylo sucked in a shuttered breath. Rey braced for the worst.

_You should have never-_

His arms wound around her, pulling her in closer. Tighter. His head dipped down to rest atop hers, cheek pressed into her hair.

_This must be how you walk away from something and still come back to it._

She smiled to herself.

“You know, I’m not good at this. ‘I missed you’ doesn’t sound right coming from me.”

He scoffed at her but didn’t fight the smile that spread across his face. He kept her pulled in close.

“You could try.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not drunk enough to write anymore.


End file.
